SENDING TRANSMISSION...
TRANSMISSION SENT.
So you're in a junkyard, right? Looking for the Spirit Ring. It's been a ROUGH couple of weeks, what with Elle and Schwaggy and all, so what better way to blow off some steam than to trudge through this wretched, filthy place, in search of a ring that you don't even know where to begin looking for.
Mary's here, too. You've filled her in on... SOME aspects of what you're doing here, of what your plan is, but even she's just along for the ride. She seems happy, though, if not a bit erratic.
Something about the junkyard gives you the creeps. Discarded things always had a way of haunting you, so an entire zoo of them feels almost designed to spite you.
Your fears were quickly validated when SOMETHING emerged from a pile of rubble.
???: "Well WELL WELL what do we have !!! a niiiiiice pair of of of HOOCHIES looking for a nnnnnnight ON THE town arent we! What Are You Doing In My Trash
???: !!!
???: "
???: Cmon Pipsqueak Speechless ?
Lee: "I am not speechless. I am shocked from the audacity you have to claim the trash, a public space for everyone, for yourself. Who do you think you are, you...salesman?"
???: Im not a salesman Salesmen are CHARLATANS DEVILS and NE'ER-DO-WELLS What the FUCK!!! Fuck. Fuck. Thats NO WAY TO TALK TO THE former LEADER OF THE FREE WORRRRRRLD."
The monstrosity with the porcelain faces grabs you by the hand and shakes it with great vigor.
???: "Now who are my manlyisms. I ass out of u and ME that u d reconeye zee ME. MY NAME IS [REDACTED]."
???: "..."
???: "..."
???: "..."
???: "..."
???: "..."
???: "WHAT THE [redacted] OTTO"
He drops to his knees and slams his fist on the ground.
???: "GOD [redacted]ING [redacted]IT. I CANT EVEN SAY MY OWN NAME!?????"
???: "pLEASE. Say the magic word. Say you recognize my pearl-e whites. Haha.
Lee: "Your pearl-e whites? Why would i recognize someone by their teeth? They have a whole face for me to do that. Either way, what or who you are does not matter much for me. Can you answer a few of my questions?"
???: "What do you WANT FROM ME. Your wish is my command Friend-o. As long as you pay a PRICE. That's what seperates us from those filthy commies over at Canada"
Lee: "I don't really care about them being communists, being canadian is the REAL crime. Anyways, first of all...How did you end up in this state?"
???: "i did what you did you Little Shrimp. Followed the path towards true TRUE TTRRUUEE [redacted] But I was shunned. Skinned. Flayed. Diced. Twisted. Tormented. Burnt. Slashed. Dashed. COSMICALLY [redacted]"
???: "And i found myself here. That's how they punish free thinkers these days. ITS AN ELANETH BE [redacted] WITCH HUNT."
???: "And now theyve put me on STRINGS. 0NLY my strings dont have funny little names like BusinessKitty and stain"
Mary: "What the fuck are you talking about"
Lee: "Okay then, i would greatly enjoy more details on the path you followed so that we Won't end up like you, but we have a more important mission on the moment. Do you know what is the spirit ring?
???: "I've never seen a ring in my [redacted] life!!!! Except for this one."
He pulls out an unassuming golden ring with a sun on it.
Mary: "*gasp*!!! That's the fucking Spirit Ring, Lee! The Spirit Ring you told me about! It's the Spirit Ring you told me about the other day!"
???: "Why, this piece of garbage???? This thing hardly WORKS! Ive promposed to five dames this week . HATED IT."
Mary: "What do you mean? What lady WOULDN'T want to kiss this pretty face??"
Mary grabbed the puppet by the cheeks and shook him around.
???: "[redacted]! AUGH! DONT TOUCH ME YOU HARLOT"
Lee: "Hey uh, little freak thing. We agree here, this ring sucks, so we want you to give it to us so that we can use it for our garbage statue. It is made exclusivly of useless trash, so it would fit perfectly! That's why were here!"
???: "now kiddo. WHY WOULD I DO THAT!? Why would I give a ring to you U-Haul lovers when its not even LEGAL . I am the bastion of all that is heterogenius!! This ring will do you as little good as it does me .. "
???: "Unless"
???: "we help each other Out"
???: "Scatch m y arm and i'll sratch yours . Metaphor"
???: "15% InterestEd?"
: "Uh, kinda. What do you want?"
???: "Make me president. Me want president"
BusinessCat!: What is he? Like, i know he's a puppet
You look down at your palm. Written in sharpie, frantically, are the words: "Evanescent just fucking kill this guy"
Lee: "Mary, we are going to need some big lessons on marketing if we want people to vote for this guy, you got uhhh...You got a better plan? You wanna just kick this guy ass?"
Mary: "Why do you think I brought my FUCKING BAT Lee?? Let's kill this fucker!!!"
BusinessCat!: Okay, everyone, lets get ready!!!
BusinessCat!: Use the Leeknife!!!!
Lee: S T A B ?
BusinessCat!: Yes!
Lee uses STAB. The Puppet takes 6 DAMAGE. The Puppet now has a cut cheek. What would you like Mary to do?
BusinessCat!: Crush him with her bat.
BusinessCat!: But like
BusinessCat!: In a cool way
BusinessCat!: (crush)
Mary uses CRUSH!. The Puppet takes 8 DAMAGE. The Puppet now has a fractured "ribcage".
Lionel uses FRACTURED STAR on Mary. It does 15 DAMAGE.
Lee uses STAB. The Puppet takes 7 DAMAGE. The Puppet now has a cut eye. What would you like Mary to do?
???: "[redacted]!!!!! AUGH!!! I FEEL LIKE IM AT 479/500 HEALTH RIGHT NOW!!!!
Lee: "That is very interesting. Thank you for lettingus know."
Mary uses SOMETHING! (Magical). The Puppet takes 4 DAMAGE. The Puppet has been dampened.
The Puppet uses THE POWER OF PATRIOTISM on Lee. It does 15 damage.
Lee: "FUCK THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!!!!!!!"
Lee uses STAB. The Puppet takes 7 DAMAGE. The Puppet now has a cut throat. What would you like Mary to do?
???: "[redacted]!!!!! AUGH!!! I FEEL LIKE IM AT 468/500 HEALTH RIGHT NOW!!!! I'M GONNA STOP YELLING NOW!"
Lee: "that's a lot of points! thats more than 499"
Mary uses I'll let you have a turn. The Puppet takes 10 DAMAGE. Mary is starting to undergo a coronation.
The Puppet uses A GUN on Mary. It does 15 damage.
BusinessCat!: A FUCKING GUN?
BusinessCat!: That's not very nice, puppet.
inkst4ins: dude what the fuck
BusinessCat!: Lee, ignore your body. Your strings are being pulled by people with silly names.
What part of the body would you like to use this attack on?
inkst4ins: the throat ?
BusinessCat!: Lee, go for the throat. Kill him. Fucking kill him. Rip his fucking vocal chords out.
inkst4ins: bite them off and use it as a mustache
inkst4ins: and twirl it like a capitalist caricature
Lee uses Ignore your body. You aren't even in it. The Puppet takes 9 DAMAGE. EXACERBATE. The Puppet takes 10 DAMAGE. EXACERBATE. The Puppet takes 11 DAMAGE. EXACERBATE. The Puppet takes 12 DAMAGE. EXACERBATE. The Puppet takes 13 DAMAGE. EXACERBATE.
The Puppet use BUZZING WORDS on Lee. It does 15 damage. The Puppet uses HIS NUKES on Lee. It does 30 damage.
The crown is too heavy for Mary to handle, it deals 5 damage to her. What would you like Mary to do?
Mary uses I'll let you have a turn. The Puppet takes 100 DAMAGE. The ceremony progresses.
The Puppet uses FRACTURED STAR on Mary. It does 15 damage.
Lee: "dude i will eat this puppet's whole family alive"
inkSt4ins: ok we best dodge with lee on this one
BusinessCat!: Yeah
BusinessCat!: Turn invisible lee
BusinessCat!: Use your invisibileety
inkst4ins: and then after one more of mary's attack should help
BusinessCat!: Dude, if the ceremony progresses more mary is going to deal 1000 damage
BusinessCat!: if i'm correct
inkst4ins: precisely!
Lee uses Dodge+. She will attempt to dodge the next attack aimed at her.
The crown burns itself into Mary's skull. She takes 25 damage. What would you like Mary to do?
inkst4ins: ok so we're sure that mary's gonna kill the puppet with this next one right
BusinessCat!: Yeah
BusinessCat!: Mary, kill him
BusinessCat!: Kill him NOW. Rip his head off
What would you like Mary to do?
inkst4ins: i'll let you have a turn attack right
inkst4ins: do it. murder it!
BusinessCat!: i hope we don't regret letting you have the turns, if you are who i think you are.
inkst4ins: dude i'm so smart that this puppet's gonna wish it never crossed the path of richard inkst4ins
Mary uses I'll let you have a turn. The Puppet takes 1000 DAMAGE. The scurrying masses await their queen.
The prospect of rulership is too much for the human mind to contain. Mary takes 125 damage. Mary is incapacitated.
The Puppet is incapacitated.
The Puppet begs for Mercy.
What would you like Lee to do?
BusinessCat!: Lee, kill that boy
BusinessCat!: Kill that boy
BusinessCat!: just kidding
BusinessCat!: Inky
BusinessCat!: What do you think?
BusinessCat!: Kill that boy or mercy?
inkst4ins: kill
inkst4ins: cut his head off
BusinessCat!: in speeds voice in lees head KILL THAT BOY!
Lee bites through The Puppet's neck and rips out his throat cords.
Mary's conditions WORSEN.
BusinessCat!: We need to help mary
BusinessCat!: What do we do
Clear the Coronation status.
BusinessCat!: Rat king FUCK OFF
BusinessCat!: LEAVE
inkst4ins: wait how do we clear it business katze
BusinessCat!: I think maybe queendom resets it? it says it absorbs all status here
inkst4ins: can mary even use queendom? she's at -120 health
BusinessCat!: Lee's all aggressive attacks
BusinessCat!: Mary is the only one who has supporting ones
inkst4ins: FUCKK
BusinessCat!: I think we'll have to try
inkst4ins: yea wait go ahead i'll be back in exact 20 seconds
BusinessCat!: Mary, try to use queendom
Mary: "Phhh..."
Mary is unable to act while incapacitated.
BusinessCat!: We are cooked
inkst4ins: dude fuck is there nothing we can do
There is a lamp.
inkst4ins: i completely forgot about the crown when i used coronation i thought she'd be able to tank it
inkst4ins: LAMP
BusinessCat!: A lamp???
It is lit.
inkst4ins: what the fuck does that mean
BusinessCat!: Kind of scary. Is Mary passing onto the afterlife??
BusinessCat!: Hopefully not
BusinessCat!: Use the lamp??? I don't know
inkst4ins: how though
BusinessCat!: Ink can you help me check the website for clues?
Fall into the lamp?
You fall into the lamp.
There is a dark and formless expanse before you. You can barely see the ground beneath your feet and the bright red office chair some distance away. There is a man on it, he seems good natured, if a little tired. He is waving at you. The hand he is waving with is holding a crown that burns into his flesh.
BusinessCat!: Approach him?
inkst4ins: yea
You approach. He speaks to you.
> "Phew, third time's the charm, but I guess the charm also cuts your time short. Nice to finally meet Ellie's big shot friends!"
The chair is staining a darker red.
inkst4ins: i mean he's got the crown aswell we should ask for help to take it off right
BusinessCat!: Hey, can you take off that crown?
BusinessCat!: It's uh, hurting our friend.
> "Where'd you think I got mine, Mr. B? I hope your friend doesn't mind that I nicked it off of her!"
He laughs a little before clearing his throat.
> "In all seriousness, I had to walk out into the big SV for that little stunt, so I'm on quite a bit of borrowed time here. Though I'm a big fan of you guys and I was certainly hoping to have a lovely little chat, we've got a few more exchanges like this until I blow up right and proper, so I was hoping to set up a Q&A for you."
The floor around the man is starting to become sticky with twinkling black blood.
inkst4ins: oh alright uh
inkst4ins: what do you think
BusinessCat!: Are you asking me or him?
inkst4ins: you
BusinessCat!: Ask his name
BusinessCat!: Is he the doctor on the website?
inkst4ins: dr. nagy?
inkst4ins: lets see
inkst4ins: "What is your name?"
> "They say never meet your Heroes and I guess this is why, I knew y'all would be a tad slow at the combat but I've only got like 4 responses in canon left. Whatever, my name is Dr. Errol Zoltan Nagy. A pretty sweet one if I do say so myself."
He's looking more and more like a lump of meat.
inkst4ins: we should ask him what he knows about us
BusinessCat!: We could ask that, that is a great question
BusinessCat!: But also, i'm very interested in what he is
inkst4ins: "What do you know about us, Nagy?"
inkst4ins: after this we'll have 3 questions left i believe
> "Yep, that's the right count! Anyways, I know a little about the Evanescent broadly, but the most important part of you is that you're fancy shmancy real people in a Parareal shell! Well, then you're in an Unreal shell on top of that, but that's a thing I do too so it's not as impressive. I know that Mr. Paul Businesscat is my Icon, and I would die for him. I mean clearly. I'm not too sold on you, Mr. Richard Inkst4ins but I'm coming around."
His flesh begins to peel off of his bones.
inkst4ins: "I will earn your respect. What exactly are you though?"
> "I'm a fella who used to be real before I fell into a bunker and the world blew up! Now I'm the weakest Parareal entity around. So weak, in fact, that Unreality knows I'm lying when I decide to pay a visit! I hope that answers your question, because I'm about to have to think about not screaming for a second!"
His nervous system begins to light aflame, charring his bones and turning his puddle of flesh into a stinking lump of coal. His face has remained remarkably intact throughout this whole process.
BusinessCat!: Jesus christ
inkst4ins: two questions left right
BusinessCat!: Yup
inkst4ins: one of them we should probably ask if mary's gonna be ok
inkst4ins: the other about why we're in a lamp perhaps?
BusinessCat!: Maybe
BusinessCat!: I don't know if he knows a lot lorewise
BusinessCat!: So maybe asking about other entities like the rat king or the bohemian is off the board
BusinessCat!: Yeah ask him about Mary, the last one we'll think about it
inkst4ins: alright
inkst4ins: "Is our friend gonna be okay? Considering the whole crown thing."
> "Yeah man, I took away the crown! She's gonna smell like burnt fur for a hot minute though. You probably want her to take a shower. Oh and get like... some burn cream, it'll probably blister. Oh are you two worried about the negative health, I'll get on that. But don't worry, she's alive, I used Libra and then Aquarius so you should be all good. More than good, until the Starveil realises that Mary's health is mine, she should be able to take as many hits as you want. I updated the website with what should've happened. Obviously Layla isn't there so I can't confirm, but it's a reasonable estimate."
His bones melt from the heat of his burning remnants.
BusinessCat!: Last one
BusinessCat!: Make it count
BusinessCat!: What do we need to know right now the most?
BusinessCat!: And can be feasibily answered
inkst4ins: kay kay
inkst4ins: "What do we need to know RIGHT NOW the most?"
> Okay I'll give you a few because you're doing quite well for yourselves. First off, the lovely Ms. Yazzie has a page, but after I finished making it, Ellie, in her infinite wisdom, elected not to list it openly. I am just a head, but imagine I did air quotes there. On that note, Ms. Ellie has told me to warn you that we're getting to a point that involves a LOT of potential changes on your part. Eh-ehm, in her overfancy language 'Up until now, you've walked the beaten path because it is all that has been provided. From here on out, you have earned the right to proper autonomy.' That's all, goodbye now!"
He very rudely deepens his voice when quoting me. His skull then explodes outward, covering you in the deeply disturbing sensation of warm grey matter. It takes you a few minutes of heaving before you realize that you are both outside, facing an unlit lamp. It takes you a few MORE minutes of heaving to realize that the gore isn't actually covering you.
Mary: "What the fuck Where did you go"
END TRANSMISSION.